Here we go.

From being a People Pleaser, scared to death by rejection, there is today nothing I want more than to honestly express what is actually going on within me, just as it is. Dance, sing, talk, move. Expressing my aliveness I call it. My story is why.

I am born and raised in Stavanger, Norway. In a very normal, highly educated and highly functioning family.

To most people that sounds amazing, and a lot of it was.

Norwegians are, though, ranking on the top of the most conform countries in the world. We even have something called “janteloven”, which are norms claiming it’s not acceptable to believe you are something.

Whoever knows a little bit about me probably understands that these norms bother the shit out of me.

The ten rules of Janteloven

1. You are not to think you are anything special.

2. You are not to think you are as good as we are.

3. You are not to think you are smarter than we are.

4. You are not to convince yourself that you are better than we are.

5. You are not to think you know more than we do.

6. You are not to think you are more important than we are.

7. You are not to think you are good at anything.

8. You are not to laugh at us.

9. You are not to think anyone cares about you.

10. You are not to think you can teach us anything.

All through life I have been attracted to people who dare stand out and be different. In junior high my friend group was a mix of a hip hoper, a punker, a rocker, an experimentalist and me.

In later years I have understood that I attracted people who dared expressing themselves, because I was gradually building a protective armour around myself. A armour of people pleasing and asking for permission to be me; adapting to what I thought would impress people around me. Performing instead of expressing honestly what was going on inside of me.

From an early age I was the protector, a role I was complimented greatly for. No one ever asked me how I felt when standing up against kids double my size, many years older than I was.

They called me though and brave, and that was the shield I chose to wear. Hardness, anger and protection. Showing no vulnerability. No fear. No sadness.

As an adult I can say that these situations brought up a lot of feelings. Especially loneliness. Through these situations I had no one to lean on. In early age I closed of feeling and sensing my body. I became numb and started seeking high intensity activities, and sometimes even recklessness.

Looking back, I understand that what I needed, and subconsciously was seeking through my behaviour, was attention and approval from people around me. I needed anchoring and was feeling restless and unsettled when I didn’t get any attention. In school I was lucky to seek attention by engaging in class through starting debates and classroom conversations. This probably got me through school, as I was actively paying attention in every class.

I was a creative, playful, expressive and adventures child and teenager. I did all of the toys, all of the games, sang, danced, took charge, loved hanging upside down from treetops.

I wonder how much of my rebellious behaviour was actually a longing to feel, impress and get attention.

In high school and uni I became obsessed with getting attention from guys I liked. I was, of course, also doing plenty of other things, but a lot of my focus went into this one guy who wasn’t available to me. I couldn’t stop thinking of him, and at the same time I didn’t dare speaking with him or around him. I became like a shell, unable to express myself.

So I drank and partied, a lot! That was, I figured, a way to break free from my shell. I felt more free.

It wasn’t until university that I realized I had major stage fright. Back then I was the kind of person who avoided things I didn’t manage, and I did, at all cost.

It wasn’t until my first job that I realized I was also incapable of performing my tasks while anyone was watching. My mind went totally blank. Performance anxiety. During a presentation at Deloitte one of the partners told me he had never seen anyone so uncomfortable giving a presentation. I think he said it to be kind and offer support, my reaction was to avoid him and not managing to properly speak with him ever again.

People pleasing is a form of social anxiety, showing up in the way of not daring to show any weakness or imperfection in front of others. Rather not doing anything than showing a flaw. Believing that disagreeing or being disliked for one part of oneself means that all of oneself is rejected, unlikable and unwelcome.

I have later pinned my stage fright to a choir and dance performance I had as a child. Someone criticized me after I had proudly showed something I loved doing. The feedback made me so ashamed that I completely stopped doing it, for 20 years. The past 5 years I have practiced, but still today I can feel shame when dancing and singing in front of others. I love it, and still it terrifies me.

I stopped drinking alcohol for this mere reason. I want to express myself without drowning my feelings first. I want to access my expression anywhere, anytime, with anyone.

I know today that such stupid comments are said with good intentions, often out of love and compassion. These are, however, memories that fuel my passion for bringing people out of their shells.

I have always seen through to people behind their looks and appearances. I have always wanted to know the person underneath their masks.

This probably led me on the journey I have been throughout my life. The experiences, knowledge and wisdom I have collected from various corners of the world.

I wanted to understand the world, I was curious how it all was connected. After high school that led to nature adventures, Business studies, living many years abroad, traveling around the world, getting friends from very corner of the world, digging into sustainable decision making during my master thesis, and working with business analysis, technology management consulting, leadership, and operations management.

At some point during all of this I started burning out. I was gradually starting to understand that I wanted something else for my life. Within a 6 month period, right after moving back to Norway, my whole world broke down. I have never given the timing a thought before this very moment, but knowing what I know about trauma, I don’t believe that was a coincidence.

We have different personalities in different languages. They are created based on who we are while speaking the language and the culture of the place we spoke it.

I 100% feel very different in Norwegian and English. With the biggest difference being that my inside and the outside self’s are more alike in English. I feel more free. As if I breath easier.